You Called My Name
by GallifreyenCultOfSkaro
Summary: 'This is the world I was brought up in.  If I were a better person, I'd apologise for that.'  It was probably the only honest thing she ever said.
1. Jilly

**A/N: Yes, yes, I know I really ought to be updating **_**Kitzinger v Danes**_**. I'm working on it, honest! But after watching **_**The Blood Line**_**, this begged to be written. Yeah, I like writing Jilly Kitzinger. Don't like, don't read.**

**Summary: Jilly writes Gwen a letter. Set during _The Blood Line_, after the explosion but before Jilly goes off with that man from the Families.**

_Gwen Cooper,_

_I never thought I'd find myself writing a letter to you, but here I am, the SuiteNovotel, in Calais, writing these words on this paper. I'm coming back to America, but I had some unfinished business with an old client of mine that I wanted to deal with. But I'm not writing to tell you this, and you probably don't want to hear it. I researched you on the internet - bloody hard, mind you, anything to do with Torchwood is buried down deep- but I found you, eventually, and everyone else. Jack, Toshiko, Ianto, Owen. They're none of my business, but I looked anyway. What does that say to you about me? Nothing good, but nothing I haven't heard before. And I still don't care. But I found you on the internet, and I kept on searching, and searching, and searching. You, Gwen Cooper, were unfaithful, a liar and a cheat. But despite all the guilt and the tears, you just didn't care either. Yet your life must still be worth something, because if you didn't care for those around you, you wouldn't have anything to feel guilty about. This isn't why I'm writing this. But there are things I would like to say before I tell you why I'm writing this. They, on their own, are not the reason I'm here now, doing this. But I still have to say them. I have a child. A really beautiful child called Abigail. She's staying with my sister, in London. She can't stay with me. I move around too much. What about your child, Gwen? I know you'll understand me, here, Gwen Cooper. You too have a child, a child called Anwen. What happens to her, Gwen? Because you can't keep away from Torchwood, can you? Will your child grow up in the middle of all that? I'm not asking all this for nothing. I went through exactly the same thing. But this still isn't why I'm writing to you. I've already told you what I found out about you. I'll bet you've heard that all before, too. And I envy you, because despite everything you did wrong and everything going wrong around you, you picked up the pieces and kept going and your friends and family stayed with you. I didn't get that, and I don't know why. I've done bad things. I've manipulated people and changed people's lives just because PhiCorp or the Families said to. You? You've lied to your boyfriend, cheated on him, confessed to your crimes then wiped it all out of his memory. You promised to see your boss, your __friend__ Jack Harkness killed and I don't doubt you would have done. I know if you could help it, he'd still be alive, but your father is dead because you brought Death back to the world. I'm not blaming you, Gwen. But you blame yourself for that anyway. I still, however, have not gotten to why I'm writing this, though I have been getting closer. This is what I wrote to say;_

_Thank you._

_I know it sound odd, especially coming from me, but I mean it. It was just before that explosion in Shanghai. I was desperately trying to make the lift work, then you forced it open and jumped in and we were both trying to make it work. Just then, even though I hardly knew you and you hardly knew me, and we were working against eachother the whole time, just then, we were working __with_ _eachother. And then bloody Harkness comes back to life and we're back to fighting with eachother, you trying to stop the lift and me trying to start it, and finally, you hitting me several times over and insulting how much lipstick I wear. (That's rich, coming from you! How much bloody __mascara_ _do you wear?) And when we finally got out, you two ran off and left me to stagger out on my own. Not that I really blame you for that…_

_I was injured. I could hardly walk, let alone __run_._ I couldn't keep going. I fell. I thought you'd just leave. I was unconscious after the explosion, but the last things I remember before, to use the cheesy quote, 'everything went black', is you turning round and yelling my name, and you looked terrified. Like you were actually scared I would die. Then there was the explosion, then darkness, then a hospital full of people I didn't know saying and doing things I didn't particularly care about. You're a good person, Gwen Cooper. _

_Thank you. Thank you for caring enough to turn round and call my name. From the way Harkness had a hold of you, it looked like you might actually have run back and helped me if you could've. Thank you for that, too. I know I don't deserve it, but thanks all the same._

_And do you know something? You'd think after all this, I'd change and start over. But I won't. I'll just keep on waiting, and God knows I don't trust them, I don't even like them, but if someone from the Families came along and offered me a job, I'd say yes. I'd start the whole bloody thing all over again. In the end, I'm no different to anyone else. I'm just another desperate drowning person trying to find an island to cling to, even if it means someone else drowning. And I almost wish things were different. But everything I said, about the Blessing bringing salvation….I believe that. Because that's the world I was brought up in; that's the world I know. If I were a better person, I'd apologise for that. _

_Thank you again, for what you did. _

_Jilly Kitzinger_


	2. Gwen

**Gwen replies to Jilly's letter.**

_Jilly,_

_First of all, I want to thank you for that letter. But several things you said were wrong._

_I'm not a good person. I'm someone who has done good things, but that doesn't make me a good person. Lying to Rhys? Retconning him? Is that what a good person does, Jilly Kitzinger? You said 'If I were a better person…' but you've no idea how many times I've said that to myself. If I were a better person….I'd have told Rhys the truth from the start. If I were a better person….I never would have brought Anwen into this world, this dangerous Torchwood world. If I were a better person….my father wouldn't be dead. I could say so many more things, but I'm not a 'better person'. I'm like you, a drowning soul trying to cling to an island and letting others drown in the process. But when it' just me and you, Jilly, there's one difference. You, at least, are honest about yourself. You don't try and pretend that you are a good person, or even that you do good things. I, on the other hand, am not honest. I lie to myself. And I pretend I'm doing good. 'Cause when I'm clinging to that island, my only consolation, fake as it may be, is that I've helped a few others reach this island, too. But many had to die for me to do even that. I kid myself, delude myself, lie to myself. Don't envy me, Jilly Kitzinger. If anything, I should be the one to envy you, because at least you can admit to yourself who and what you are. I can't even do that._

_Gwen Cooper_


End file.
